Nicocosity

I’ve noticed how my mood swings are… severe. One moment I’m very happy (hehehe crush), then the next I feel weepy. It’s weird really, though I don’t think I’m suffering from any psychological problem or anything (I would know though, my psych friend would tell me pronto). However I’m pretty sure I’m just being put to a test… like always.

I know it’s beyond bad to complain to God about these problems, because for sure this is his way to remind me that he’s there, I’m just too foolish for not seeking him. Though, if I were to be honest right now… I’m tired. I’m tired of always seeking temporary highs to forget. It’s stupid to be so caught up from the past, that you cannot find pure happiness every time you take a step forward, being near to a future that is so uncertain. I feel so daft for still feeling this way, when supposedly I’m very good at controlling my emotions. This time, I think I fail myself in that department… as a result, I feel lost even more than I was before.

But I shouldn’t be tired. Everything has a purpose. This is part of God’s plan, and for sure he made a promising one for me. I mean right now, he showered me a lot of blessings, I must be very thankful and stop being melodramatic. Though, all I ask for him right now is to help me just move on, and see the bigger picture instead of stressing about the million puzzle pieces scattered. For sure, someday if ever I stumble upon this I’ll probably just laugh at myself…and maybe (just maybe) by that time, God has already given me the person who will love me and accept me flaws and all. I must keep the faith on-going, even though there’s hurt inside, for sure there will be a light.

and one last thing…
”I keep on seeing signs telling me to forgive others, and most importantly forgive myself. I know I’ve done a lot of bad things, but I’m making up for all of it. At the end of the day, the bad things I did do not define me… because I know, I’m a good person, you just fail to see it.”

I was so busy these days that I wasn't able to post any junk here. By the way A LOT has happened, which added damage to my life ( chos, drama). Anyway, I'd like to share something I wrote 3 or 4 years ago. It's actually a part of a story, so yeah it's either you'll understand it or you'll just cock an eyebrow at it. So, here it is :

* daydreamer

William Wordston is a daydreamer.

He's staring at the setting sun, while his back on the world. In this vast deserted beach, he's a small black figure, who's sitting with his arms around his legs. To be honest, he looks so vulnerable; like a little boy scared of what lies in the other side of the horizon. This made me doubt if he is the prince I once used to be scared of. I wonder what's inside his head (if ever there's something at all) at this very second. Could he be mad? Scared? Confused? Befuddled? I remember awhile ago, he stormed out of the hotel looking so infuriated, then he wind up being here...in the middle of nowhere. I really am fascinated with what lies beneath that chestnut hair.

"The sun looks better when it goes down the horizon" I remember papa telling me this whenever he notice me being so fascinated with the burst of colors the setting sun caused. Like me, he's fascinated with the setting sun. It is the reason why papa makes sure we make monthly visits in the bay walk in Roxas Boulevard back in the Philippines. He just wants us to be captivated with the beauty of the sun, while our ice creams melt in our hands. It was delightful.

"What are you doing here, Buendia?" William is still fixated on the horizon, not minding to turn his head for confirmation that it is really me, Chantel Buendia.

"Nice, you really are psychic," I pause, and wait for him to show some expression or something, "Well, I'm checking the sunset."

"You could have done that at the hotel." He replied coldly, still not showing any signs of new expression. Everything seems so wonderful here; I never imagined that there's actually a pristine paradise at the posh hotel's back door. It took me such strength to get down here, since the hotel is located at a big hill, and the only way to go down is to pass the steep brick stairs. Oh, and it's pretty windy here.

"But there's no sand there," What the heck am I talking about? Sand? Speaking of sand, I have so much of it in my shoes, and it's starting to get irritatingly itchy! ,"Can I sit next to you?"

"No"

Hmm, his simple "no" has an illocutionary force in it, and besides, sometimes a "no" actually means "yes". For instance, was the time when I was like four and my mom asked me if I want to go watch barney, I said no, but what I have in mind is YES, I said no because…I have no idea why; though, anyway, my mom still made me watch barney! And watching Banrey made me happy. Back to reality, So I disregard his "no" and sat next to him, sort of forgetting my crappy concern about getting sand not only on my shoes but in my cute Anna Sui dress (I bought it in a thrift store back in Philippines) as well. Now that I'm inches away from him, I can clearly see the firmness in his expression, which is plastered on his handsome British face. He has this certain coldness, but at the same time I can feel something warm in his aura, probably because he's quite furious about what happened awhile ago. He's still completely covered by his now-dusty black Armani suit; even his black Gucci dress shoes aren't as shiny as they are before. Though, despite of being dusty, he still looks very good.

"You have something in your shoulder," I pat his shoulder to dust off the "something" (which is sand) off his shoulder, "Hey! Did you roll on the sand?"

Yes!-oh wait, is that a smile? Or is he grimacing sarcastically? Oh sheesh, whether it's ironic or organic (what am I talking about?), at least there's something else plastered in his blank face, besides "blankness"

"How'd you know I'm here?"

Good question.

I noticed that his baby blue eyes are still fixated at the setting sun, making his eyes twinkle like little diamonds, it looks so pretty. WOW! The sky looks so GOOD! It turns semi-pink with a tinge of periwinkle and orange! And the Sun turns into a golden plate! WHOA...Darn it! I should have brought my camera along!

"Instincts?"

Hmm, how did I know he's here? Aside from the fact that this place is deserted, no one would have thought he went here. Everyone would have probably assumed that he went straight to the nearby bar and get himself boozed out. How did I know he's here?

"Really?" there's the sarcastic tone again.

"I don't know, I just have this Chakra telling me you're here." Chakras? Ha-ha! What is this, Naruto? William cocked his eyebrow snobbishly, a usual reaction he gives when I say something that sounded odd and stupid and, "Don't you just love the sunset?"

"No"

"Albert once told me you love to sail." I blurted out of nowhere, because I'm just worried to be stuck in an awkward silence. Albert, William’s butler, told me about how William used to go to St. Bart's during the summer, and just go sailing, and chill for the rest of the day. He also tipped that William’s passion in sailing makes him want to be sailor, ala Popeye.

"Sailing won't lead me anywhere." He retorted coldly.

"It will lead you to the Caribbean."

"Ha-ha," He laughed ironically, making it appears that I'm so corny and stupid, "It won't do any good for me as a prince, so might as well forget about it."

"Who said that?” I waited for his response, but all he gave is his silence. I have a strong feeling that it was his father, the king, who discouraged him to even do something about his love, and ambition to be Popeye the sailor man, "whoever said that is wrong. I mean, he can never be sure that a skill in sailing would be useless, especially in your position, as the prince, and as a prince you should be able to save and protect your people. Imagine it this way : What if there's a huge flood ala Noah's ark that hit your country? Your sailing skills would definitely help you man that big ship to save your people. If you're not well equipped with sailing skills then you won't be able to handle the ship, thus save your own people. Then also, think-" he cut me

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life."

Ouch

"Ahh, okay." Like always, I pretend to make it appear that I have slipped that one of my system, and divert myself with other things in my surroundings, like the sun! Diversion is a good friend of mine.

Abruptly, he took his dusty coat off, and then placed it on my bare shoulders. I don't think he meant to put dust on me. Fortunate to think, he did it so he can shelter me from the wind.

"Sorry about that," I try to open my mouth, but nothing came out, so I closed it again before a fly could get in it, "yes, I love sunsets."

"That's nice" finally! A word! … A fragment actually. Though, I think it sounded ironic, or sarcastic.

AWKWARD SILENCE

"You're very lucky." I blurted out of nowhere, after being reminded of my own father. People used to say that dead people wind up being stars, since the sun is a star, and papa's dead now, I bet he's the sun (that’s what I call logic, Ladies and Gents)

"Why?" He turns to look at me, finally.

"You still have your father." I miss papa

"It's not lucky to have a father like him, Chantel," From the way he said those words his vulnerability showed-Wait! He said my name! FINALLY! After months of being called my last name, he finally learned to call me in my first name, "He hates me"

"Don't say that! No parent hates their own child!" Oops, I sounded like a dictator/little Barney kid. I remembered how papa may have reprimanded me when I did something bad, he did it too many times, but I know he did it out of love.

"Well, now you are sitting next to the exception to that universal truth," there's a mixture of sadness and anger in his voice that it's as if straining. Also, his blue eyes seemed to be passionate with anger, "He never treated me like a son. It's always: 'do this because that’s what a prince is supposed to do, 'do that because you have to', 'don't go out with a commoner like her'," he glanced at me, which made me seemed to have blushed fervently, "He treats me as an heir, nothing more. If I've done something smashing, he never seemed to have noticed it, "I wonder how his father would have reacted when he found out that William has the highest score in our Geometry, Advance Biology and Chemistry midterms in our batch (or if he even reacted at all), "But if I have done something wrong, he'll magnify it a hundred times more, and will even remind me of my past mistakes, and how a failure I've become."

"You're not a failure, “I swear that's sincere, “Failures don't get 97 in Geometry, 98 in Advance Bio and 95 in Chemistry midterms" I only had 89 in Geometry, 91 in Advance Bio and 94 in Chemistry 

"I'm a failure, and it'll continue being that way."

I never knew Prince Charles William Christophere James Wordston could be so insecure, let alone show self –pity in front of a naïve kid. Now, I really can't imagine who's luckier between the two of us. My parents never made me feel worthless, or make me appear as a failure. They always remind me that I'm an amazing person-well, now; it is only her, my mom who does that job

"He probably did that because he loves you, " Nah, I give up, he's much luckier ,"he probably did that because he loves you so much that he wants you not to fail, and make a fool out of yourself. Your father just probably wants you to be better, preparing you for what lies ahead,"Thank Siddhartha Gautama! So much sun made me sound a bit smarter. His eyes are becoming calmer now, like the sea in front of us, "Besides, you just told me that he treats you like an heir, then that means he's making it sure that you'll be a good king, a better king than him," His eyes are very gorgeous!, "and be the best king there ever was, and ever will."

"Do you think I'll make a good king?" His eyes are way calmer now. Also, it seems like the wall of arrogance he uses as a defense mechanism is gone now. Another thing, he sounded almost like how Gwen Asked me if her eyes will look bigger if she applied a thicker coat of electric blue liquid eyeliner on her eyelids.

"No, you'll be the best," I remember telling Gwen: 'nah, go for something natural instead', cause I'm afraid she'll look like a drag queen, "So love your father, 'cause once he's gone, he'll be gone forever."

Like how my papa is gone forever.

I hope whoever you (lovely creature) are enjoyed or atleast read my post :) I'll probably go write more and more, and who knows? I might make a novel! HAHAHA! but really, who knows?

Love,

Nicoco♥

P.S.

I'm joining Mr and Ms Communication Arts! Wish me luck :')